It's been a week since our lives were turned upside down and every emotion that one can feel was shaken out of us, like loose change in your pockets.
I've been married for 15 years (going on 16 this year) to wonderful and hard working man. I have 22 year step-son, 18 year old son, a 14 year old daughter and 9 month old grandson. Like most families, we've had some issues and struggles, but survived.
My 18 year old son, has been a child who we've learned a lot of life lessons with. He's not my husband's bio-father, but my husband raised him from 18 months. We protected my son for many years from not knowing that my husband wasn't his "real Dad" (as my son once told us). Short history on "the donor". I chose to keep my son away from him, because the donor was an alcoholic and addict. I was young and again wanted to protect my son from being just like the donor.
At the age of 3, that's when the problems began with my son. He was an active little guy, but the amount anger he had was outrageous! This continued for several years, with numerous counseling appointments. Each therapist gave him a new diagnosis, that eventually, we had a shopping list.
Fast forward about 11 years (high school-ugh). By that time, the doctors were positive that he was ADD/ADHD, depressed, and had an anxiety disorder. With that, we had many prescriptions to take care of each issue. As a sophomore he was kicked out of a charter school and was placed into public school. In public school he found out on the first day "I can ditch and get high and nobody would care." This behavior went on for a year. At one point bringing pot into our home and smoking it in the bathroom. We did seek help, but the doctors said he was just experimenting.
His repeat of his sophomore year, he choose to go to a night charter school. He did well at first but the same old habits began. Mouthing off, ditching, you name it, he did it. By this time he was off the ADD meds, due to a heart condition. So he had to learn to manage the ADD through cognitive therapy (That's another topic I will need to write about) .
Last October, he sat down with my husband and I, and told us he was done with school and wanted to drop out. He was having some issues at school, to the point that if the teacher was out, he couldn't be with s sub. Yes, that's right! My18 year old son needed a babysitter at school. He told us he wanted to change his life around and wanted to attend a program called New Mexico Youth ChalleNGe. He said it was for teens who struggled with school and the goal is to prevent these young men and women ending up in prison or on the streets. It was a great opportunity and it was his choice!
On January 14th, we dropped off my son and hoped for the best. He was in accumulation for two weeks, so the only means of communication was heart felt letters of encouragement. Once he graduated to a Cadet, we were able to receive a 3 min phone call every Sunday. Each time, he pleaded to come home, because he felt his anxiety and depression were getting worse. I played it off being homesick, but eventually I would learn the truth.
On Feb. 17th, we received a call that my son was kicked out of the program. He spit and pushed his Cadre. He said his anxiety got the best if him and he acted out. Prior to leaving the ChalleNGe, the Master Sgt. told my son he needed to get his anger in check. For once my son listened, and asked us to take him to the hospital because he needed help. So, we drove 3 hours back into town and he checked himself into the psych hospital. It wasn't easy, and my husband and I had to get a bit angry at the doctors, but he was admitted for 4 days. The conclusion was that the anti-anxiety med was like giving him a water pill; so they increased it 3xs a day.
When he returned home, he realized he came home to family, but he didn't have a job, GED, phone. Like he said "I came home to my family but that's it." Now don't get me wrong, it made me sad, but I wanted to tell him, "well who's fault was that?" I know what some of you are thinking, his anxiety was the problem, but this is the same behavior as every school he went to.
We noticed a change for the good. He was respectful, made up his bed, he ate dinner with us, and best of all No Xbox! He enrolled to take his HiSet test for his diploma, got a job and for once in his life had "real" goals. So thank you NM youth for instilling new traits in my son.
About 2 weeks passed, and everything "appeared" to be going well. He's attending his counseling appointments, passing his exams and working. When he stated working, my husband and I told him he needed to save for a car. He agreed and new goal was set.
Then, it began....the my "old son" was coming back to life. He got in contact with a cousin who several years back was getting into trouble, and he pulled away and lost contact with him. Trying to keep an open mind I was happy he was going out with his friends and I had hoped the cousin had changed his ways.
A few weeks back, he texted me and asked if he could stay out later. I told him no, but my husband said "let him. He's doing so well. The time was changed from 10;30 to midnight. When he got home, he came into our room and said, "mom/dad, I got laid!" He had this look on his face and I asked if he was high or drunk. He said he was drunk. We waited till the morning to talk and let him know the cousin wasn't good people and if he came home again like this, he would be out if the house. Of course he apologized and admitted what he did was wrong, but it wasn't his cousin's fault. Cousin didn't like that he was drinking.
Soon after that, we noticed the old son was alive and well He would get picked up from friends we never heard of, he refused for them to come into to the house and he had to walk a few houses down to get picked up, because his "friends" couldn't find the house. Ummm.. sure! He had mentioned he was getting paid 3 weeks worth of pay and promised to put money away for a car. Now, a Taco Bell job doesn't pay well, but it's enough to start saving. He also told us that on the 31st of March, he was going to hang out with his friend and his cousin and was probably going to sleep over.
That week of the 31st, his behavior was off. Hygiene was declining, he was mouthing off and he was getting picked up from work from these "friends". When I would ask him where he was going he said, "oh to McDonald's". Then I'd text him where are you at, "oh Taco Bell". He sure went out eat a lot with no money.
Friday, March 31st finally arrived. The day my life changed forever. When I arrived home from work, he had already left, but soon came back for his wallet. He usually would tell me 'bye and he loved me', but this time was different. I told him, "Love you too" and he soon realized that he didn't say the 'normal' goodbye. He told me," mom you look like you're about to cry. Please don't worry about me, you're going to get yourself sick.". He hugged me and said goodbye. Call me crazy, but my 'mom' gut told me something when he left; at one point I was thinking that it maybe the last time I would see him alive.
All night I texted him for the address of his 'friend' and I told him that I needed his phone number, just in case there was an emergency. Of course these request went unanswered until... 11:34pm. The time I received a call from the police stating they were responding to a call of a party and it was believed that they had my son. It was reported that he was running around without his shirt screaming and yelling. When the police arrived, they stated he was even rolling on top of their car. Officer Ruiz, stated the only way they found out who he was, was that they saw a text from me asking where he was at. Thank God for text messages! When he arrived to the 'detox' area of the hospital, he admitted he used...(ready for it?) LSD, Mushrooms, Pot, alcohol, crack, cocaine, on top of this RX meds! And through all this, all I could think...HIS HEART!!!!!!
He sobered up the next morning and eventually checked himself out of the ER. He did tell the social worker that he was homeless, because of our previous threat. He had no where to go, except back to the party house. Through out the day, we would get random text about how he was "high asf" and he was "lit" oh and not to forget he would never call us again. As parents, this was the toughest decision we had to make, but we had to stick to our guns. I was worried, scared, like I said, every emotion humanly possible.
My son has a true friend. This friend is a child of an addict and understood what we were going through. He was by our side this entire time. He was actually the only point of contact to know where my son was at.
On Saturday night, my husband and I were talking about where he was and we worried about the cold weather. Soon right after, I received a call from the county jail. YUP! He was arrested for indecent exposure and disorderly conduct. He was crying and telling us what we wanted to hear.. he was sorry and he wanted to come home. As much as he pulled on the 'momma heart strings', I had to tell him no. His friend offered to pick him up and we encouraged him not to, for our son needs to learn some hard lesson; but his friend insisted and said he couldn't bear the thought of my son in the cold.
His friend picked him up and took him home.
The next day I received a text from my son stating, "I'm scared mom. I feel like I'm living in my own hell." He was starting to detox. His friend called and stated he wasn't looking too good and called 911. My son was eventually admitted into the Psych Hospital. I truly think God sent an Angel in the ER, because he suggested we go to Psych and get evaluated. It was too easy for him to be admitted in this time. Thinking back now, I think he called and asked for him to be admitted. While my son was there he asked for help and wanted Rehab. My son hasn't really told us what he was using, but his friend told us, from what my son told the doctor, he was drinking, smoking pot, and had just started using cocaine that week. We also found out that he spent his whole check, 468.00, in 3 days, 200 for drugs and 200 to rent the house where he and his friends threw the party!
By that Tuesday, we drove up to Northern NM and was admitted. Immediately he was placed on detox meds and therapy.
He's currently a week in and the director stated he's doing well and is making baby-step progress. He's being wend off the detox meds and the antidepressants, because 'they' felt that everything that occurred is due to "secrets". We went to our first Alanon meeting (next blog) and are still trying to adjust to this new life that was given to us.
I know this first blog is long, but I needed to get the full story on why I say "A New Life". I appreciate you reading and any guidance from other parents, spouses, friends, family of addicts would be great.
Thank you and be well.
