PAWS

I wish PAWS was for the sweet paws of a furry animal, but it's a new word that has been added to my recovery vocabulary.  PAWS stands for Post Accute Withdrawl Syndrome, and its normal while in addiction recovery.   It usually occurs around month or so after inital detox; and thats where my son is at. He celebrated his 60 days of sobrity tonight.
My husband and I just got back from visiting him and I thought we had a really good visit and my son looked like he was in a good place.  Well....it was so good that he began to dwell on his mistakes caused by the disease,  the legal problems he's facing, the gulit of the affects of his disease has had on his sister, and the idea that we still love him just the same before his disease took control of his life.  By dwelling on these stressors, he wants to cope with tbe only way he knows how.....using. He wants to come home...but subconsciously, come home to use. Nope...not coming home. He even mentioned to his RA that he needs to be put back on meds for anxiety and depression. Anxiety and depression are the symptoms of PAWS! So no meds are needed.

 Thank God he's in sober living,  these counselors know what they're talking about! The head RA, said this is normal during this stage of reovery. His brain is trying to get use to the idea that he's not using and wants his cope the only way he knows how. This can be an up and down situation, causing symptoms of withdrawl without using. This is so wierd to me, but this is how revovery works. Its like almost phantom pain.
Thank goodness I'm attending Alanon. I'm having the courage to stay strong and not loose my focus of my recovery. When I first got the call from my son's friend, to tell me my son reached out to him,  my heart sank and worry and fears began to take over. Then I remembered the first step, "I'm powerless over alcohol", followed by the serenity prayer.  Alanon has been a great life saver.  I put the issue to my Higher Power, and let go. In my recovery, I may experience PAWS; but I feel I now have the tools to help me.
I hope and pray he feels better soon. Ges coming home for 3 days in a few weeks to deal with his legal issues. Please God help him stay strong.

Not sure what to say

Today was the last day of Family Week. If your reading this and ask "what's family week?" It's where we, as family members learn what addiction is, family therapy, group after group meeting, and the last day being 'take your newborn baby out for the first time.'

Addiction is YES, A family disease! It kills the brain, but it can heal if one chooses to stay sober, families can eventually make a mends, and the addict can live a healthy and successful life! Oh but wait, there was no magic wand to make this happen right away. It takes months and years of AA and/or NA meetings, and like my son said "find and pray to his higher power". The way the doctor explained this disease is that when a non-addict drinks he/she can turn off the desire.  Where as an addict, can never turn off the desire part if the brain. Hense why addicts often say, "I'm going to die if I don't use." The On botton is always on. 

The emotions that I had when I started this journery, immediately came back, but this time they were worse then before! We had a family therapy session where we found out secrets my son has been hiding.  I was shocked when I heared some of the issues, for example the drugs he took. It included smoking pills to Acid. What I did find interesting, was while he was using, he didn't see himself as an addict, because he used socially with friends. To him addicts were people who used alone in their rooms. Now he realized he's an addict no matter who your with  or where you use. One secret that he was holding in for a very long time was when he attempted to reach out to his bio-father. The jerk (addict) told him some horribles lies and blamed my son for problems in his life. Mind you, the jerk never met my son and ran when I told him I was 6 weeks pregnant. Ohhhhh, I was upset alright, not at my son but the donor! I kept telling myself, the donor is an addict, he's going to blame everyone else for his problems!
My son has accepted this disease that has been inherited. The donors side and my family.  Addiction affects all walks of life,  race, and genders. We had to cut our afternoon outing short, because he wanted to attend his AA meeting.  He felt at home with all these recovering addicts. They were all relating to each other; holding each other accountable.
My sister asked, "so did they all look like junkies?" I was suprised by her question but soon realized she had a one track mind. I told her "did Kris look like a junkie?" That made her realize what we see on the streets or tv isn't what all addicts look like. Addicts come in all shapes, colors, sizes, and family history. They all share one common disease, addiction.
He's moved into the sober living home and will receive his 30 day sobriety coin and tag.
I have fears of what is yet to come but i also have hopes for his success at sobriety. In Alanon (yes I found meetings that I like) we discuss "accept the things I can not change." I can't change his disease and the influences that may contribute, but what I can change is my attitude and behavior. As a mom its hard not to say,"yes, but...."This is usually followed by "but i don't think....". I need to detach myself from the addiction and his thinking of  what's best for him.
I'm too in recovery, trying to work my steps of Alanon, one day at a time. 

30 Days and 60 More to Go

Well... we hit the 30 days sober (well more like 28) and counting!  Yes, I say 28, because he did relapse his first week after detox. Why would anyone go through such a rough detox, and just want to use again? Oh wait....that's right! My son's an addict.
For the first time in his life my son apologized for what he put us through and realized the "the way to sobriety is honesty." Say what?!  In his letter he mentioned God; who I thought he forgot about. Wow, I guess having a relapse in recovery is a good thing; well that's what my marriage counselor said.
This past week has been a rough one. A week ago, my very dear cousin passed away very suddenly.  He lived a full and happy 37 years on this earth, but God needed him more.  I worried about telling my son in fear of relapse. His counselor was great and talked to my son, then conferenced me in on a call to talk to my son. He was saddened by the loss of our dear cousin, but seemed to stay strong during the conversation. All week I feared I was going to get a call that he was kicked out, due to a relapse. Thank God no call, except the weekly  call we get every Sunday.
This past call was different....much different. Different as in good different.  My son had a "light" in his voice that I've never heard before; and if I did, it must have been a very, very  long time. He said he had a very good week and felt better. He even told my mom that he felt "free". Wow! I guess he has made some progress.
Tomorrow we will see him for the first time since we dropped him off at recovery.  I keep playing through my head the 3 Cs of Alanon and the change in my behaviors and attitudes.  3 Cs.. I feel like I'm a robot saying this over and over...while trying to stop an anxiety attack!

• We didn’t cause it – it is not our fault that the other person drinks, it is their private battle

• We can’t control it – we have no power over the other person's desire to drink

• We can’t cure it – it is an illness that cannot be cured through any known medical remedies

What are we going to hear?! The whys, whats, when. My attitude, is it going to be what the %@#$ or okay, I'm sorry and I love you? I can tell you, 3 weeks of Alanon can never prepare me or my husband for what were going to hear tomorrow. I'm calling the next 3 days, "Family Therapy Bootcamp" or let all the crap out on tbe table. Regardless what I call it, it going to be a rough 3 days.